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When insults had class ….

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Some of these are old but what else are you going to do on this rainy start of your fifth week of isolation.

These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

 
Lady Astor: If you were my husband I would poison you.
Winston: If I were your husband I would drink it!
 
Lady Astor: You are drunk!
Winston: Yes and you are ugly.  But tomorrow I won’t be drunk but you will still be ugly!
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir, “  said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
 
“He had delusions of adequacy .”
-Walter Kerr
 
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill
 
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
-Clarence Darrow
 
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
 
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
-Moses Hadas
 
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
-Mark Twain
 
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
-Oscar Wilde
 
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
 
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
-Winston Churchill, in response
 
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
-Stephen Bishop
 
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
-John Bright
 
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
-Irvin S. Cobb
 
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
-Samuel Johnson
 
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating
 
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
-Forrest Tucker
 
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
-Mark Twain
 
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
-Mae West
 
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
-Oscar Wilde
 
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
-Billy Wilder
 
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx

Latest medical opinion on the virus

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump’s Corona strategy: 
  1. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it,
  2. But the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
  3. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
  4. But the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
  5. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception.
  6. While the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
  7. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”
  8. While the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
  9. The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
  10. While the Radiologists could see right through it.
  11. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
  12. The Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
  13. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
  14. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
  15. Those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

Living Alone –

Dear Ones,

Lately, I’ve been reading several news reports about how living alone is really getting to some people. In fact, only this morning I was chatting about this with the microwave and toaster and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end, the iron calmed me down. She said everything will be fine, which surprised me because she’s usually the first one to apply unnecessary pressure and get steamed up over nothing !

So how are you and your appliances feeling about this subject …?

More Corona Virus jokes

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*  Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
 
*   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.   

  *   I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

  *   Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Bedroom

  *   PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

  *   Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

  *   I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

  *   This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.

  *   So, after this quarantine…..will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

  *   Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

  *   My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

  *   Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

  *   I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

  *   I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

  *   Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

  *   Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.

  *   Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

Humor

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My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

– Jewish Irony: Passover canceled because of a plague.

– Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.

– The first time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s not screw it up.

– Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.

– My cleaning lady just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.

– We’re about two weeks away from seeing everyone’s true hair color.

– What’s worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy?

– I’ve almost completed my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

– Day 3 without sports. I found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently, she’s my wife. She seems nice.

– Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth-grader? “And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month.”

– Anyone have a recipe to make toilet paper out of cauliflower?

– If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19.

– Looks like we’ll also need to bail out our political and science fiction writers, and retrain them to be historians.

– Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly: Next week– turn signals!!!

Laugh of the day



An old physician,Doctor Gordon Geezer , became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
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He put a sign up outside that said: ” Dr. Geezer’s Clinic . Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.”
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DoctorDigger Young , who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went toDr. Geezer’s clinic.
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Dr. Young : ” Dr. Geezer , I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
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Dr. Geezer : “Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
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Dr. Young : ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”
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Dr. Geezer : ” Congratulations !
You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
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Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money
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Dr. Young : “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
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Dr. Geezer : “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
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Dr. Young : “Oh, no you don’t — that is Gasoline!”
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Dr. Geezer : ” Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
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Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
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Dr. Young : “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”
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Dr. Geezer : “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, “Here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).
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Dr. Young : “But this is only $10!”
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Dr. Geezer : ” Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
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* Moral of story * — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer” .
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*Remember:* Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to annoy us.
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ENJOY YOUR DAY !!!
P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers
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Rodney Dangerfield Funniest Jokes Ever On The Johnny Carson Show 1983

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Rodney Dangerfield Funniest Jokes Ever

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Rodney Dangerfield and Johnny Carson

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Senior eye test

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I flunked miserably.
This is not like the other senior eye test messages
you may have seen.   Enjoy the fun…  
  Eye Test for Seniors

 

Relax, it’s just a ceiling

Robbery

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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.  The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

The “Understanding Policeman”

James' World 2

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The police have a tough job.

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Bound woman in trunk

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