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The New Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.  She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.  She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.  He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.  Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand.  Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
“Now take off my boots.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
“Now take off my socks.”
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra..”
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
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IRISH or ITALIAN?

There were two Catholic boys,
Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: “Why Timothy?”
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
“We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called
POPE SE-COLA !  

Why Men May Have a Dog And No Wife:

1.   The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2.   Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3.   Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4.   A dog’s parents never visit.
5.   Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6.   Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7.   Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8.   A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9.   If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11.  If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
12   And last… but not least:  If a dog leaves, it doesn’t take half of your stuff.
To test this theory: If you have a wife lock her and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it….and see who’s happy to see you.

Morning Smiles

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.  Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Marital relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

A Phone Call from Hell

Nixon, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.
While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes
him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she
writes him a cheque.
Finally Nixon gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Nixon
got to call USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: “Since Trump took over, the country has gone to
hell, so it’s a local call.”

Funnies for Friday – 2

The Haircut
A teenage boy, Frank, had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.” The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
(Love the Dad’s reply!) “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
Playing hooky from school
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.
Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.”
Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”
Kelly: “This is my mother.”
Community Service Joke
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
Awkward Teenager Joke
Teens are at an awkward stage in their lives. They know how to make phone calls they just don’t know how to end them.

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Funnies for Friday

Received These Images From A Friend

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