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Living Alone –

Dear Ones,

Lately, I’ve been reading several news reports about how living alone is really getting to some people. In fact, only this morning I was chatting about this with the microwave and toaster and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end, the iron calmed me down. She said everything will be fine, which surprised me because she’s usually the first one to apply unnecessary pressure and get steamed up over nothing !

So how are you and your appliances feeling about this subject …?

More Corona Virus jokes

Received These From A Friend

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*  Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
 
*   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.   

  *   I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

  *   Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Bedroom

  *   PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

  *   Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

  *   I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

  *   This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.

  *   So, after this quarantine…..will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

  *   Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

  *   My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

  *   Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

  *   I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

  *   I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

  *   Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

  *   Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.

  *   Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

Humor

Received These From A Friend

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My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

– Jewish Irony: Passover canceled because of a plague.

– Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.

– The first time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s not screw it up.

– Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.

– My cleaning lady just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.

– We’re about two weeks away from seeing everyone’s true hair color.

– What’s worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy?

– I’ve almost completed my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

– Day 3 without sports. I found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently, she’s my wife. She seems nice.

– Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth-grader? “And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month.”

– Anyone have a recipe to make toilet paper out of cauliflower?

– If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19.

– Looks like we’ll also need to bail out our political and science fiction writers, and retrain them to be historians.

– Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly: Next week– turn signals!!!

Laugh of the day



An old physician,Doctor Gordon Geezer , became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
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He put a sign up outside that said: ” Dr. Geezer’s Clinic . Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.”
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DoctorDigger Young , who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went toDr. Geezer’s clinic.
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Dr. Young : ” Dr. Geezer , I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
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Dr. Geezer : “Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
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Dr. Young : ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”
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Dr. Geezer : ” Congratulations !
You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
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Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money
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Dr. Young : “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
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Dr. Geezer : “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
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Dr. Young : “Oh, no you don’t — that is Gasoline!”
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Dr. Geezer : ” Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
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Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
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Dr. Young : “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”
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Dr. Geezer : “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, “Here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).
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Dr. Young : “But this is only $10!”
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Dr. Geezer : ” Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
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* Moral of story * — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer” .
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*Remember:* Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to annoy us.
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ENJOY YOUR DAY !!!
P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers
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Rodney Dangerfield Funniest Jokes Ever On The Johnny Carson Show 1983

Click the link below the picture

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Rodney Dangerfield Funniest Jokes Ever

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Rodney Dangerfield and Johnny Carson

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Click the link below for the video:

https://www.youtube.com

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Senior eye test

Received These images From A Friend

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I flunked miserably.
This is not like the other senior eye test messages
you may have seen.   Enjoy the fun…  
  Eye Test for Seniors

 

Relax, it’s just a ceiling

Robbery

Received This Joke From A Friend

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.  The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

The “Understanding Policeman”

James' World 2

Received This Video From A Friend

Click link below picture

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The police have a tough job.

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Bound woman in trunk

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Click link below for video:

https://videopress.com

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View original post

Beer: This pretty well sums it up…

Received This Joke From A Friend

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This pretty well sums it up…

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 I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

Babe Ruth

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Paul Horning

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case.    Coincidence?  I think not!”
H. L. Mencken

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.    When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven.”
George Bernard Shaw

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,  But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
Dave Barry
https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.”
W. C. Fields
https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.”
Professor Irwin Corey

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group.  Salvation in a can.”
Leo Durocher

https://i0.wp.com/cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

One night at  Cheers ,  a TV Sitcom,  Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: “Well, ya see, Normmy, it’s like this … A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing  of the weakest members.   In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”
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Frogs – a simple game

Switch the frogs to the opposite side within 2 minutes.

(this is a 2nd grade computer test in China)

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Click link below to play game of frogs (choose open with: Microsoft Office Excel):

2ndgradecomputertest

Solution!

Note:

Click link below to play game of frogs (this version is written using HMTL(plus another great game))

mygraphicartstudio.com/games.htm