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April 7, 2020

Received These From A Friend


My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

– Jewish Irony: Passover canceled because of a plague.

– Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.

– The first time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s not screw it up.

– Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.

– My cleaning lady just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.

– We’re about two weeks away from seeing everyone’s true hair color.

– What’s worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy?

– I’ve almost completed my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

– Day 3 without sports. I found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently, she’s my wife. She seems nice.

– Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth-grader? “And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month.”

– Anyone have a recipe to make toilet paper out of cauliflower?

– If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19.

– Looks like we’ll also need to bail out our political and science fiction writers, and retrain them to be historians.

– Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly: Next week– turn signals!!!

From → H

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