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George Carlin

December 13, 2012

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
> But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
> One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
> Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
> You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
> Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
>

> If the plural of man is always called men,
> Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
> If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
> And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
> If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
> Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
>
> Then one may be that, and three would be those,
> Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
> And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
> We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
> But though we say mother, we never say methren.
> Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
> But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
>
> Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
> There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
> Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
> English muffins weren’t invented in England .
>
> We take English  for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
> We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
> And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
> And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing,
> Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
>
> Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
> If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
> them,
> What do you call it?
>
> If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
> If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
>
> Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speakingEnglish
> Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
> In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
> recital?
>
> We ship by truck but send cargo by ship…
> We have noses that run and feet that smell.
> We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
> And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
> While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
>
> You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
> In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
> In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
> And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
>
> And in closing……….
> If Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop.????

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