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Modern Art Museum

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?”
“No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

 

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Some Have All the Luck

!!!!!BABASomeHaveAllTheLuck2

New Pope

A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of Pope John Paul II with his class. One student asked how they chose the new pope.
The teacher explained the process, finishing with, “So the cardinals pick him.”
A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, “Why would they let a baseball team pick the next pope?”

Wine Taster Wanted

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of looking for a replacement.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, “It’s red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”
“That’s correct”, said the boss.
Another glass.
“It’s red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels.”
“Correct.”
A third glass.
”It’s Champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.  She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father!”

The Undertaker’s Black Eye

Originally posted on Oyia Brown:

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

“What happened to you?” asked his wife.

“I had a terrible day.” replied Bob . “I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half.”

“I see” said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”

Bob replied: ” Wrong room .”

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The Coffee Shop

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it? I was in a coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so, to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
This is what happens when senior citizens use technology!

Good News, Bad News

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat…
Says He: “I’m sorry honey but I’m up to my neck in work today”
Says She: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
Says He: “OK darling, but since I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?”
Says She: “Well, the air bag works…”
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