Skip to content

Knocked Up by a Stranger

An 18-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage…”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him: “You’ll just have to try again!!!”

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food..
5) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap .
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground…
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional…
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions…
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS: How true this one is.
At age 4 success is . . . … Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is … . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is ….. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . … . Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. .. Having money.
At age 70 success is . … . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is … … Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. .. Not piddling in your pants.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Kiss My…?

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: “The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful…”
One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” their guide says. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”
“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouts. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”
“Well now,” the guide says, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”
“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone?” the woman scoffs.
“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide responds. “But I have sat on it.”

Well I Never!

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, “AHHHH! That’s the ugliest child I’ve ever seen in my life!”
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, “Are you ok, dear?”
The lady replies, “I’m so angry, that bus driver just insulted me.”
The man says, “You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I’ll watch your monkey.”

I’m Hot, I’m Cold

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims

that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”
“Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

The Speeding Ticket

A female business executive is late for a meeting and is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says, “Ma’am, can I please see your license?” She replies, “Sorry office, but it got revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” He furrows his brow and asks, “Well in that case can I see the registration for the car?” She replies, “I stole the car and killed the driver, he’s in the trunk. “The officer immediately reacts, “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He returns to his car and begins to mutter furiously into his walkie-talkie.

!!!!!PoliceOfficer1

Five minutes later, half of the local police squad pulls up and the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I please see your license?”, he asks sternly. She replies, “Of course, officer,” and she smiles demurely, pulling her license from her purse. He squints warily at the license, “This looks legitimate. Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls the registration out of the glove box and hands it to him. He suddenly bursts out, “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches, but it was completely empty.
The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!”

Problems Getting Up

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss,” he said, “The pill actually worked!”
“That’s all fine” said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,490 other followers