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The Senior Prenuptial Agreement

An elderly couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.
old couple
She said: “I want to keep my house. “He said: “That’s fine with me. “She said: “I want to keep my Cadillac. “He said: “That’s fine with me. “She said: “And I want to have sex 6 times a week. “He said: “Put me down for Fridays.”

How Experts Ask for a Raise

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.
She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?”Anna: “Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wunt the increaze. The 1st is that I do iron better than you.
“Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”Anna: “Your husband he say so.”Wife: “Oh yeah?”Anna: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.
”Wife: “that’s a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”Anna: “Your hozban he did.
”Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.
”Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.

”(A moment of silence passes…)”So, how much do you want?

How to Keep Busy When Retired

Working people frequently ask us, as a retired couple, what we do to make our days interesting.
Well, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes.
When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, ‘Come on sir, how about giving a pensioner a break?’

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a fascist bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a total butthole. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. We continued to call him every name under the sun, and he just kept writing those tickets…
This went on for about 20 minutes, and then our bus arrived.
There’s always something fun to do as a pensioner…

A Problem with the Donkey?

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted in shock. When he came to he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

Short jokes – 2

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

Short jokes – 1

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse!
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into?’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to $9. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge $9?’ He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

A Tiny Mistake!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.’
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
‘We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!!!’
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong, father?’
With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams:

“The word was… the word was… CELEBRATE!!!”


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