A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. One night, the sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff’s story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest, “Were you gambling, Father?”
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, “Oh, Lord, forgive me,” and then said aloud, “No, your honor, I was not gambling.”
“Were you gambling, Reverend?” the judge asked the minister.
The minister repeated the priest’s actions and replied, “No, your honor, I was not gambling.”
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked, “Were you gambling, Rabbi?”
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied, “With whom?”
Received from Pastor Tim.
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. ”Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”
”Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, you’re going to get a beating.”
”Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. ”Okay, fella. Tell me — what is on top of a house?”
”Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
”THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”
”Okay, boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”
”What the heck you tryin’ to pull, mister?”
”Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question, please. Okay, buddy, tell me — who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”
The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
“Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to G_d. “Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing”.
“What is that my son”, G_d answered.
“Well it would be nice to have a mate, I’m awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I’m asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night.” said Adam.
Adam and Eve
“Wow that’s a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it’s going to cost you”. said G_d.
“Oh yeah, how much?” said Adam
“An arm and a leg.” replied G_d.
Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked “Well, what can I get for a rib?”
Click link below picture
Time to shut down the Internet: KFaceTV released the “Uptown Funk” parody to end it all. It imagines what the toe-tapping hit from Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars would sound like if sung by Lord Voldemort. “Caught the kid, Boy Who Lived, Harry’s out of luck,” Voldemort sings. “With the Elder Wand, stop the Chosen One, maybe make a new Horcrux.” Yes, all of this, plus a band called Tom and the Riddles.
Uptown Funk” parody
Click link below for video and slideshow: