An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.
She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?”Anna: “Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wunt the increaze. The 1st is that I do iron better than you.
“Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”Anna: “Your husband he say so.”Wife: “Oh yeah?”Anna: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.
”Wife: “that’s a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”Anna: “Your hozban he did.
”Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.
”Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.
”(A moment of silence passes…)”So, how much do you want?”
My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse!
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into?’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to $9. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge $9?’ He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’