A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place — the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”
“Yes, Reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”
A man walked in to a Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, the barber asks “What’s up?”
The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. “ROME?!” says the barber, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of mafiosos! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?” “We’re taking TWA” the man replies.
“TWA?!” yells the barber. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?” The man says “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot.” “That DUMP?!” says the barber. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?” The man says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.”
“HA! That’s rich!” laughs the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut.
The barber says, “Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Bet TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!” “No, quite the opposite” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendent who waited on me hand and foot!”
“Hmmm,” says the barber , “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.”
“No, quite the opposite! They just finished a $25 million remodeling. Its the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!”
“Well,” the barber mumbles, “I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!”
“Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
Impressed, the barber pleads, “Tell me, please! What did he say?”
“He just said: Where did you get that awful haircut?'”
The father was doubtful of his son’s sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department.
“Please, Dad,” begged the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day….”
“I’m not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment,” his father was quick to point out.
“Ahhhh please, Dad?”
“Besides, it’s quite an expense,” the father added.
“I promise, Dad, I’ll use them….”
Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out…
“What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?”
With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman doesn’t fall. Later, the family arrives to see how she was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s very nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
A person was visiting Washington, DC, for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol, the person asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”
Three hours later, the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus, and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”
The person replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. “Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!”
The wife, startled at her husband’s violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!”