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Senior Exam

New Senior’s Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass. 

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last? 
2) Which country makes Panama hats? 
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? 
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 
7) What was King George VI’s first name? 
8) What color is a purple finch? 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass. 
Check your answers below …. 
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 
2) Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador 
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?November 
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert 
8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? 
Orange (of course) 
What do you mean, you failed? 
Me, too! 
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you is fibbin)
Pass this on to your brilliant friends.


Any of these sound familiar?

As I get older I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.
Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
I don’t need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off.
My people skills are fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, “You don’t need to write that down, you’ll remember it”.
When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment, now it’s like a mini vacation.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
“Getting lucky”, means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there. 

Chuckle for the day!




Thank you Lord

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the “accident of evolution” had created. “What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear… right on top of him… reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out “Oh my God!….” Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move.
As a brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man, a powerful voice spoke to him, “You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?”
The atheist blinked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared.
All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.
The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:
“Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”

With apologies to conscientious atheists

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned To her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike Up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total Stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, Or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask You a question first. A horse, a  cow, and a deer all eat the same Stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns Out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, Thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which The little girl replies,

“Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and  Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

The Marine Corps fighter pilot

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

One liners for this election year …some good ones!

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldnt be any inducement to go to heaven
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; Im beginning to believe it
~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you
~Author unknown~
 Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first
~Ronald Reagan~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on Congressmen. 
~Will Rogers
Wed all like to vote for the best man, but hes never a candidate.
~Kin Hubbard~