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Books you may not wish to read in public….
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The recession has hit everybody really hard. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally…
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Die Maiers, truly one of the most superbly orchestrated and physically dexterous clown acts ever created, is impressive.
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Die Maiers- trapeze
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Until further notice, the days of the week are now called Thisday, Thatday, Otherday, Someday, Yesterday, Today and Nextday
Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again?…
Just asked a 6-year-old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
Where is your next travel destination?
– Las Kitchenas
– Los Lounges
– Santa Bedroomes
– Porto Gardenas
– Los Bed
– Costa del Balconia
– St Bathroom
– La Rotonda de Sofa
You’re not stuck at home, you’re safe at home. One word can change your attitude and one cough can change your life.
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides.
If you thought toilet paper was crazy … just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.
2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March, and 5 years in April.
Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
This cleaning with alcohol is total b.s. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers….
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day but look at me now! I’m saving the world!
I miss the days when we were terrified of Romaine lettuce. Ahh, the good times….
I swear my fridge just said: “what the hell do you want now?”
Whoever owes you money, go to their house now. They should be at home.
Homeschooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.
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Here’s a little something to brighten your day while you are self-distancing
Do you remember ‘THE JUGGLER‘?
It’s worth another watch – even if you’ve seen it before.
They just don’t make them like they used to.
Only those of us over 65 would probably recognize the people in the front row
(Speaker of the House, President, and Senate Majority Leader).
I don’t think this would be possible in today’s Washington!
NOTE: You don’t have to be old (but it helps) to enjoy it!
(Note the secret service behind the President trying not to laugh)
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The Juggler
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Some of these are old but what else are you going to do on this rainy start of your fifth week of isolation.
These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
Lady Astor: If you were my husband I would poison you.
Winston: If I were your husband I would drink it!
Lady Astor: You are drunk!
Winston: Yes and you are ugly. But tomorrow I won’t be drunk but you will still be ugly!
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir, “ said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy .”
-Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
-Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
-Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
-Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
-Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
-Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
-Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
-John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
-Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
-Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
-Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
-Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
-Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
-Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
-Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx
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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump’s Corona strategy:
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The Allergists were in favor of scratching it,
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But the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
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The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
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But the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
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Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception.
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While the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
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Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”
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While the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
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The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
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While the Radiologists could see right through it.
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Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
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The Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
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The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
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Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
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Those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
Dear Ones,
Lately, I’ve been reading several news reports about how living alone is really getting to some people. In fact, only this morning I was chatting about this with the microwave and toaster and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end, the iron calmed me down. She said everything will be fine, which surprised me because she’s usually the first one to apply unnecessary pressure and get steamed up over nothing !
So how are you and your appliances feeling about this subject …?
Old Black and White Vaudeville Film
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