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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C toa B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long…
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There’s no right way to close a stand-up comedy set. Some comedians go with what they believe is their strongest bit, while others go for their longest. Some opt for callbacks, while some save their dirtiest jokes for the end, knowing that if they told them too early on in the set, they wouldn’t be able to follow it with anything. Some want to challenge the audience, and others want their closer to serve as a “thank you” note to the crowd for bearing with them for however long they’ve been on stage.
“This is when the performer decides how you’re going to spend the rest of your evening, what your energy is going to be,” says comedian Guy Branum. “In the ’80s into the ’90s. I think comics particularly had extremely modular sets full of short jokes and put the strongest one…
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Pretty amazing act.
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Unbelievable Presentation
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Books you may not wish to read in public….
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The recession has hit everybody really hard. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally…
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Die Maiers, truly one of the most superbly orchestrated and physically dexterous clown acts ever created, is impressive.
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Die Maiers- trapeze
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Until further notice, the days of the week are now called Thisday, Thatday, Otherday, Someday, Yesterday, Today and Nextday
Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again?…
Just asked a 6-year-old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
Where is your next travel destination?
– Las Kitchenas
– Los Lounges
– Santa Bedroomes
– Porto Gardenas
– Los Bed
– Costa del Balconia
– St Bathroom
– La Rotonda de Sofa
You’re not stuck at home, you’re safe at home. One word can change your attitude and one cough can change your life.
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides.
If you thought toilet paper was crazy … just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.
2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March, and 5 years in April.
Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.
If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
This cleaning with alcohol is total b.s. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers….
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day but look at me now! I’m saving the world!
I miss the days when we were terrified of Romaine lettuce. Ahh, the good times….
I swear my fridge just said: “what the hell do you want now?”
Whoever owes you money, go to their house now. They should be at home.
Homeschooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.
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Here’s a little something to brighten your day while you are self-distancing
Do you remember ‘THE JUGGLER‘?
It’s worth another watch – even if you’ve seen it before.
They just don’t make them like they used to.
Only those of us over 65 would probably recognize the people in the front row
(Speaker of the House, President, and Senate Majority Leader).
I don’t think this would be possible in today’s Washington!
NOTE: You don’t have to be old (but it helps) to enjoy it!
(Note the secret service behind the President trying not to laugh)
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The Juggler
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