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Ralph & Edna

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
Ralph & Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool & stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom & pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news & bad news.  The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love…  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’
Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?

You can do your bit by remembering to send this email to an unstable friend . . .

I’ve done my part!

Confusing Instructions

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?”
The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…” The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!” The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited.
After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it.

blonde

A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with the rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?” The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”
The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”

Time Travel Subway Car

Received this goodie from a friend

Click video below

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For our latest mission, we staged an elaborate time travel prank on a New York City subway car with four sets of identical twins. A man enters a subway car and announces he is raising money to complete his time machine. At the next stop, his future self enters to try to talk him out of it. More and more time travelers convene on the subway car as the train rolls along, surprising the random commuters caught up in the middle.

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Click video below (enlarge for better viewing):

__________________________________________

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know,
“that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?”
“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
“I’m wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
‘NO REFILLS’..”
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad , what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn’t go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife….”
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say “you don’t look that old.”
———————————
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
———————————
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren’t paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
——————————-
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper…
it’s worse when
you forget to pull it down.
““““““““
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
“Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn’t paying attention
to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence.
I’m looking for my wife, too…
I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well,
maybe I can help you find her…
what does she look like?”
The young guy says,
“Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?’
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,
— let’s look for yours.”
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
“Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!”
Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . . it will!

The Barber Appointment

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?”
barber
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”
“To your house!”

A Bad Influence

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

parrots

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

The Fight For Cover!

the-bed-1

forjamesthebedThe battle is lost!