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Hope

Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: “Nothing.”
Wife: “What do you mean nothing? You’ve been staring at our marriage certificate for over an hour!”
Husband: “Yea, I’m checking the expiration date.”

The Light Turned Yellow

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….

I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Death

After bob died, everyone gathered at his funeral. Then the minister started to speak: “He was a model husband, a decent man, a terrific father..”
The widow then makes a motion for her son to come to her.  “What is it mother?” he whisper.
“Dear, go check the casket, I think we’re at the wrong funeral…”

Love

A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”

How Did You Get Here?

Two women have just arrived at the Pearly Gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
First Woman: “Myself, I froze to death”
Second Woman: “You froze to death? how horrible!”
First Woman: “Well, it wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”
Second Woman: “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV.”
First Woman: “So what happened?”
Second Woman: “I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up to the attic and searched, then ran all the way back down to the basement and searched. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over from a heart attack and died.”
First Woman: “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer – We’d both still be alive…”

Don’t Help Me

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”
Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”
couple fight
So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.”
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, shut your mouth!!”
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”
“Not always,” answers Jessica, “only when he’s drunk.”

The 7 Kinds of Sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone,
and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

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The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

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The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

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The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”

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The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

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The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

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And, last, but not least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!
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