The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”
“Hello, is this FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
“Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yeah they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalm 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and I have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
Surprised, the pharmacist asks, “Madam, what do you want with arsenic?”
The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.
Horrified, the pharmacist says, “Madam, I can’t sell you arsenic to kill a person!”
The woman reaches into her handbag, takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. The man is her husband. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph.
The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods, “Ah, madam, I didn’t realise you had a prescription.”
Doctor: I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.