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Time Travel Subway Car

Received this goodie from a friend

Click video below

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For our latest mission, we staged an elaborate time travel prank on a New York City subway car with four sets of identical twins. A man enters a subway car and announces he is raising money to complete his time machine. At the next stop, his future self enters to try to talk him out of it. More and more time travelers convene on the subway car as the train rolls along, surprising the random commuters caught up in the middle.

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Click video below (enlarge for better viewing):

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GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know,
“that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?”
“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
“I’m wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
‘NO REFILLS’..”
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad , what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn’t go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife….”
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say “you don’t look that old.”
———————————
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
———————————
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren’t paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
——————————-
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper…
it’s worse when
you forget to pull it down.
““““““““
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
“Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn’t paying attention
to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence.
I’m looking for my wife, too…
I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well,
maybe I can help you find her…
what does she look like?”
The young guy says,
“Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?’
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,
— let’s look for yours.”
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
“Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!”
Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . . it will!

The Barber Appointment

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?”
barber
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”
“To your house!”

A Bad Influence

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

parrots

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

The Fight For Cover!

the-bed-1

forjamesthebedThe battle is lost!

QUESTIONS I HAVE OFTEN ASKED MYSELF

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… But it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’?  Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway..
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?    Why, Why, Why
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE……
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

A True Story

A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, “Ribbit. 9- Iron”.
The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. “Ribbit. 9-Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!  He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replies “Ribbit. Lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Ribbit. 3-wood.”  The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.  The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. Las Vegas.”
las vegas
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit. Roulette.”  Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit. $3000,black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom – tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me.”  He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman.

“And that, sir, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room.”