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First Date

!!!!!FirstDate1

Jose & Carlos

José and Carlos are beggars.
They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time
as José, but collects only
about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.
José brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar
bills every day. He drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house, and has
a lot of money to spend.
“Hey, amigo,” Carlos says to José,
“I work just as long and hard as you do,
so how come you bring home a suitcase
full of ten dollar bills every day?
José says,
“Look at your sign, what does it say?”
Carlos reads his sign:
“I have no work, a wife
and six kids to support.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
Carlos asks him.
“No wonder you only get
$8.00 or $9.00 a day!” says José.
Carlos says,
“All right, what is on your sign?”
José shows him:

!!!!!Jose&Carlos1

Winking

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as
a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his
papers and says,
“This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools;
your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled.   Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position
and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers.
I’m sorry…. We can’t hire you!
“Wait,” the man says: “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”
“Really? Great! Show me!
“So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed
condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet
of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and
good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our
employees womanizing all over the country.”
“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”
“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,
winking, and asked for aspirin?”

Men And Women – 5

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me..’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’
____

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00AM.’
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00AM. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
____

And finally,

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Men And Women – 4

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

____

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men….
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’
____

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Men And Women – 3

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,
‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it’s sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton (from 1)!)

Men And Women – 2

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
_____
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’
He addressed the man,
‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered,
‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
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