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Men And Women – 5

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me..’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’
____

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00AM.’
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00AM. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
____

And finally,

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Men And Women – 4

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

____

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men….
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’
____

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Men And Women – 3

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,
‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it’s sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton (from 1)!)

Men And Women – 2

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
_____
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’
He addressed the man,
‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered,
‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

Men And Women – 1

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
.
WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet,
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

My work is done here

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
——————————————————
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous “
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the pool”
My work is done here.
===========================================
A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That’s scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
My work is done here.
——————————————————————————
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”
Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”
“What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband.
“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”
My work is done here.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
My work is done here.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The Doctor’s Opinion

Old Man And His Check-up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
“So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.”
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun.”
“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water’s edge..
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
“Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied , “My point exactly.”
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