An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is short.
Smile while you still have teeth.
Give me an Amen!
A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave.
The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.”
“They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: “No Jews please.”
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
“Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most-prized officers.”
“One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis Naval Academy with an additional Master’s degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.”
“The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Master’s Degree and PhD in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.”
“The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.”
“Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda Naval Hospital.”
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”
“No, Madam,” said the first officer.
“Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 76. I’m so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s the same side of the street.
I don’t even have to cross the road!
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do Scuba divers always
fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
(Hmmm – actually makes sense.)
A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging
by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“I am hanging myself,” the blond replies.
“It should be around your neck,” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”