A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death’s door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. “But doctor, you don’t understand,”
they said, “Dad hasn’t walked in over a year!”
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
‘Brother, have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again,
‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’
The drunk again answers,
‘No, I have not found Jesus.’
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again,
‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’
What’s dumb? Directions on toilet paper.
What’s dumber than that? Reading them.
Even Dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something that you’ve been doing wrong.
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I’m not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. So Murphy says, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three tree’s. The boss says, “What the hells that?” Murphy says “Tree ‘n tree n’ tree makes nine”. “Fair enough, says the boss.”
Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir” he says. The boss scratches his head and says, ” How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says ” each tree’s dirty now! so it’s dirty tree, n’ dirty tree n’ dirty tree, dats 99.
The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire him, so he says “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100″. Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “got it!” he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says “There ya go sir 100.”
The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, Ha! got him this time. “Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred.” Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you’ve got, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, an’ dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?”
Seen at a restaurant/gas station in Alabama:
“Eat here and get gas.”
An 80-year-old man went for his annual checkup, and the doctor said, “Friend, for your age you’re in the best shape I’ve seen.”
The old feller replied, “Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life.”
The doctor asked, “What makes you say that?”
The old man replied, “If I didn’t live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.”
The doc was concerned. “You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns on the light for you?”
“Yep,” the old man said.
The doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s wife came in for her checkup, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
“Your husband’s in fine physical shape,” the doctor said, “but I’m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”
“Aha!!!” she exclaimed. “So HE’S the one who’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”
The Sins Of Three Nuns
There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad. After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, “Did you commit your sins?” They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.
The Mother Superior says to the first one, “What sin did you commit child?” The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. “I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone’s garden.” The Mother Superior says, “Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright.” The third nun is dancing around in laughter.
The Mother Superior asks the second one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. “I stole candy from a baby.” The Mother Superior says, “My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven. The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, “What are you laughing at?”
The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, “I peed in the Holy Water.”
You might be a Redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.”
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!”
The cook says, “He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up.”
The waiter takes a bowl of BEANS to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!”
The young man tells him, “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!”