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Signs of the times

!!!!!SignOfTimes1

 

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Helga’s diary on a cruise ship

DEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, and short sets.
Really, really exciting. – The Late Bloomers – decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one – and I can’t wait!
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.
He told me that if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship… I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice.

50 years together

!!!!!50YearsTogether1

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father. “Important thing is we’re all together today.”
Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn’t have time to shop for you.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
“There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”
The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep”, said the father, “Cheap ones too…”

Guest

Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was bored with nothing to do. There was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.
So I said, “Come in and sit down.”
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
He said, “Beats the shit out of me. Nobody ever let me in before.”

Catholic school

1+2 = 3
Until a child tells you what they are thinking,
we can’t even begin to imagine how their mind is working….
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down
and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn’t even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room
and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word,
and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day,
while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card..
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room
and hit the books. With great trepidation,
His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity..
She went to his room and said,
‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..
‘Well, then,’ she replied, Was it the books, the discipline,
the structure, the uniforms?
WHAT WAS IT?’
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw
that guy nailed to the plus sign,
I knew they weren’t fooling around.’

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you. ‘The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad. ”Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about 200 feet into a cactus patch leaving him singed and injured. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous? ‘The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder, then stick it in his ear.’

Airport ticket agent’ GOOD ONES – 2

An ‘airport ticket agent’ offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble !
7. A New York lawmaker, called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, “No . . . why do you ask?”
He replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude ! “
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it, (I was dying laughing),
I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,
“Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
9, I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, from Ala. who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
“well, I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
10. A senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, “Yeah, whatever ! Smarty ! “
11. a La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said,
“Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express ! ” LOVED THIS ONE !
12. A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?”, replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.”
The man retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly ! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map ! ” So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”
The reply? “Whatever ! I knew it was a big animal.”
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it’s in ! Could ANYONE be this DUMB???
THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND BREED.
I don’t write it, I just offer it for your consideration. It’s like manure . . . . you just gotta spread it around.
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