A chicken farmer went to the local bar …He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”
“What a coincidence ” – said the farmer, who added: “It is a special day for me …. I am celebrating…”
“It is a special day for me too … I am also celebrating!” – said the woman.
“What a coincidence” – said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked: “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” – said the man – “I am a chicken farmer and for years, all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.“
“This is awesome!” – said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster” – he said.
The woman smiled and said: “What a coincidence…”
* I’m not saying let’s go ”remove” all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
* I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
* You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
* Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
* I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
* I didn’t make it to the gym again today. That makes five years in a row.
* I decided to change calling the bathroom the ‘John’ and renamed it the ‘Jim.’ I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
* Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: if you find one, what’s your plan?
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you retard!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
12 And last… but not least: If a dog leaves, it doesn’t take half of your stuff.
To test this theory: If you have a wife lock her and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it….and see who’s happy to see you.
I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
“Why?” my grandson asked. “Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs. Sometimes germs make little boys sick and not feel good” I replied.
At this point, my grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly and said to him, “All Grandmas know stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it! He beamed, so if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Grandpa.”
“Exactly,” I replied with a big smile on my face.
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
~ ~ ~
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
~ ~ ~
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~ ~ ~
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
~ ~ ~
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’
~ ~ ~
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
I don’t want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school!
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine; I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts;
I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver’s license.
~ ~ ~
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
~ ~ ~
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walt-Mart. “Walt-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Walt-Mart?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”