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Little Johnny

!!!!!LittleJohnny1
A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette.
He says, “Kid, you’re too young to smoke.” Johnny looks up but doesn’t say anything.
The man asks, “Son, how old are you?”
Little Johnny says, “Six.”
Stunned, the man says, “Six!? When did you start smoking?”
Johnny replies, “Right after the first time I had sex.”
“Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?”
Little Johnny answers, “I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

HISTORY OF EVOLUTION

RECEIVED THESE PHOTOGRAPHS IN A EMAIL FROM A FRIEND
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Click link below picture
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So this is evolution!

!!!!!Evolution1.

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Click link below for photographs (give it a minute to load, runs automatically):

HISTORY OF EVOLUTION

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Toilet Cleaner

RECEIVED THESE PICTURES IN AN EMAIL FROM A FRIEND
Click link below picture
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YOUR DAILY  SMILE   …Sometimes you just need one!

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!!!!!ToiletCleaner1

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Click link below for slideshow (you must click for each new picture):

Toilet Cleaner

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Driver’s License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
‘ Mommy ,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied.
‘It’s not polite.’
‘OK’, the little girl says,
‘How much do you weigh?’
‘Now really,’ the mother says,
‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
‘ My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,’ says the friend,
‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.
It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’
The mother is surprised and asks,
‘How did you find that out?
‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly,
‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce..’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
!!!!!LittleGirl1
‘Because you got an F in sex.’

An Older Couple

An older couple, had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

Cause for addiction

Why Teachers Drink

!!!!!WhyTeachersDrink1
The following questions were set in last year’s examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………and they WILL breed …and vote. (scary)
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby Asian answer!
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

You will never guess

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess
which organization this is?

Give up yet?

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It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of the public in line.
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