HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLDER AND DON’T MOVE AS FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available..”
George said, “Okay.”
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
I LOVE IT! Don’t mess with old people.
This will drive you nuts! But have fun!
Something to waste your time.
Little Bruce and Margaret are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Margaret’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Margaret are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Margaret’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Margaret.”
Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Margaret makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
“Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little butt hole is adorable.
Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Weather Network again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood’
Nominated as the best short joke…
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
If you don’t believe it, try to pull a hair from your anus and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye.
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,You’re next, Chubby.
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death