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Catholic school

1+2 = 3
Until a child tells you what they are thinking,
we can’t even begin to imagine how their mind is working….
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down
and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn’t even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room
and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word,
and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day,
while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card..
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room
and hit the books. With great trepidation,
His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity..
She went to his room and said,
‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..
‘Well, then,’ she replied, Was it the books, the discipline,
the structure, the uniforms?
WHAT WAS IT?’
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw
that guy nailed to the plus sign,
I knew they weren’t fooling around.’

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you. ‘The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad. ”Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him about 200 feet into a cactus patch leaving him singed and injured. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous? ‘The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder, then stick it in his ear.’

Airport ticket agent’ GOOD ONES – 2

An ‘airport ticket agent’ offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble !
7. A New York lawmaker, called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, “No . . . why do you ask?”
He replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude ! “
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it, (I was dying laughing),
I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,
“Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
9, I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, from Ala. who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
“well, I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
10. A senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, “Yeah, whatever ! Smarty ! “
11. a La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said,
“Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express ! ” LOVED THIS ONE !
12. A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?”, replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.”
The man retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly ! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map ! ” So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”
The reply? “Whatever ! I knew it was a big animal.”
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it’s in ! Could ANYONE be this DUMB???
THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND BREED.
I don’t write it, I just offer it for your consideration. It’s like manure . . . . you just gotta spread it around.

Airport ticket agent’ GOOD ONES – 1

An ‘airport ticket agent’ offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble !

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman asked for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane ! )
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts …”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa …”  His response: — click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, “Don’t lie to me !   I looked it up on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state ! ! ”  (OMG ! )
4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada ?”I said, “No.”She said, “But they look so close on the map.” (OMG, again ! )
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he only had a 1-hour layover in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he replied, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh ! )
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that. (Must be blonde ! )

 

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it’s in ! Could ANYONE be this DUMB???
THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND BREED.
 I don’t write it, I just offer it for your consideration. It’s like manure . . . . you just gotta spread it around.

 

Some Thoughts on Sex -2

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place”
Billy Crystal
~~~~~~
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro
~~~~~~
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman
~~~~~~
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !”
Jerry Seinfeld
~~~~~~
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
~~~~~~
“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers
~~~~~~
“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
Steve Martin
~~~~~~
” You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
Elmo Phillips
~~~~~~
” Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~
” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
George Burns

Some Thoughts on Sex – 1

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~~
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
Lynn Lavner
~~~~~~
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
Camille Paglia
~~~~~~
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
George Burns
~~~~~~
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone
~~~~~~
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
Tiger Woods
~~~~~~
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson
~~~~~~
” Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
~~~~~~
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

 

I Hurt All Over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”

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