A man and his wife moved back home to Montana from Arizona .
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was
$2,000.00 a year!!!
When they arrived in Montana , they went to Sven’s Insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, “$39.00.”
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in
Montana to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, “Well,
here is it on the screen, direct from Ole’s Montana Fire Insurance
Company , it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler
system over it, is $39.00″.
I always did find Montana logic far superior to most others.
ALS Ice water challenge….. redneck style!
Click link below for video:
Grandpa’s thoughts run along the same line. Especially the drink’s situation.
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00
Arrive late and you get what’s left over.
Last year that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem.
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go out the back door. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook. And you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
9. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch.
10. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine.
Love You, Grandma.
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven das later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of G-d, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from G-d’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied.
“She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
Elderly people have so much information in their brain that it takes longer for them to access it, scientists believe.
By Sarah Knapton, Science Correspondent
Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets filled up with data, humans too, as they age and absorb ever increasing masses of information, naturally take longer to access their data, it has been suggested.
Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.
“The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar, “but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”